Dear Jessica,
I already messaged you concerning troubles with my ex. I’ve taken what you said to heart, it really did help. I think it would be for the best if him and I stopped talking, because it doesn’t seem like anything can get fixed that way. I think that I need some time to work on myself, and that it will be a very long time before I am ready to date anyone again. Do you think that this would be the best way to avoid comparing future relationships/interests to him? It almost feels like when I’m feeling confident about getting over this, I fall back into the same pit of reminiscing and whatnot, only because I feel like I shouldn’t be happy in this situation.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you definitely need to stop comparing anyone to him. Its so rough at first, but given time it really will become easy. And as I said before, you are probably idealizing him.. so the him you are comparing everyone else to may not even exist. The person in your head may not be even able to exist. There are so many people in the world with so much to offer–and you have so much to offer, too.
As for falling back into dark feelings, its totally natural; it’s not easy and it’s not fun.. but it’s life. However, you feeling like you shouldn’t be happy–that is absolutely no good. Why shouldn’t you be happy? You are young and you feel like you have already been in love. That is something rare and special. Now that you are alone, you have time to do what you want and work on knowing yourself and finding out what you want to do in life. You also have so much time to meet someone else, possibly many other someone elses–who you can love in all sorts of different ways. Love does not take one form and does not exist just between two specific people. It has no bounds and it is the best when it is expressed openly and freely. Take time to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy.
Also: if you feel terrified or like you are slipping back into bad patterns, remember to take things one small step at a time. You will be fine.
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Hi Jessica,
I’m taking advantage of your last day as a counsellor and I want you to give some advice… Lately I’ve become very frustrated and increasingly bored with life, routine, friends, music, books… all I long for is to sell everything I own and shoot off somewhere, anywhere, as long as it’s far away, I have been trying to get art grants to do photography projects somewhere exotic, I have been looking for work all over the world, I am even saving money (but very slowly) but nothing is proving very effective: I’m still stuck in the city I thought that was going to be great for me but now I hate it, I’m becoming very irritable and grumpy and I hate being like this… what can I do? I just want to be wild!
xo
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Wanderlust is something I suffer from a lot. When things get boring or rough, it’s so tempting to just drop everything and take off for a completely foreign and exotic place. A place where you know no one at all and your troubles can’t follow you, etc. However, the world is always smaller than you think it is and problems are tenacious: they don’t care where you are or what you are doing. That said, leaving or going somewhere else may distract you for awhile, but you might still get bored and grumpy eventually.
There is totally merit in wanting a change of scenery, though. It’s good to get away–but maybe you don’t need to go as far away as you think. I’m not exactly sure where you live, but it might be nice to find a way (by bus, train, bike, etc) out to a close suburb or city that you have either never been to. Or, if you live in a city where you can walk everywhere–try taking a new route home or to a destination you often go to. Even small diversions can become new and special adventures depending on your mindset. Maybe it is cheating because I live in New York, but in the past few months I have been taking very long walks (both alone and with friends) and they have been some of the most rewarding experiences. Even walking from my work to a subway a good 45 minutes away feels good to me / shows me things I do not see every day. Though this may not entirely cure how you feel, it will start something. It will either solidify how you feel about leaving where you are, or it may help you realize that place (in and of itself) may not be what is wrong.
P.S. It seems like a lot of what I wrote is about feeling free–not wild. They are related, though. Maybe you need to go somewhere with more trees and grass, etc–somewhere you can run around!
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Dear Jessica,
I have been seeing this boy for about five weeks now. It’s been super casual and fun and developed in a very natural way. We met through some friends, hooked up, and have been hanging ever since. What I really like about it is that it lacks the weird pressure that dating in your 20s normally does — no weird dinner dates, no pressure to see each other every day of the week (we see each other 1-2 days a week). I normally get really freaked out by the commitment and intensity of the relationship and run screaming in the other direction after a month. There’s only one catch: he’s been seeing this other girl the whole time. And she has no idea that I exist. I have gone to my friends for advice, and I am hearing variations on the same thing “you gotta talk to him.” I agree that it’s time to broach the subject with a “hey, you’re seeing another girl who doesn’t know about me. What’s up with that?” I was feeling confident about the situation until I started asking all my friends who have now started to refer to me as the other woman in a married relationship. I want to say: come on, friends, we’re only 20! Stop thinking about things in these terms! My question is: how do I separate the (bad) advice that I’m getting from some of my friends from the way that I feel naturally? They are starting to drive me crazy!
Sorting out my feelings in New York
Dear New York,
Your situation is a tricky one, but it seems like you have a pretty gold hold on it. However, that might be exactly why your friends are all driving you crazy..
Advice is strange because while there some things you hear and you think to yourself “yes–this is universally right”, every situation is so minutely unique and complicated that no advice can be truly 100% universal. While you agree with your friends that something needs to be done, everyone handles situations in different ways and it seems like they are glossing over that part and want you to handle your situation like they would. There is nothing wrong with that, and they may not even know that is what they are telling you to do. Ultimately, you will have to make your own decisions and doing what feels right to you naturally should be the #1 priority. It’s your life, after all. Its also important to sort out in your head what advice is coming from who. Is this advice that clashes with your gut feelings coming from someone who is in happy, stable mental state / someone worth emulating, etc? If the answer is “no” or “no.. not exactly”.. take that advice with a grain of salt. Don’t disregard it completely–your friends are just trying to look out for your best interests–but don’t take it to heart unfiltered. Trust yourself and don’t let anyone else make you stress out over your own situation!
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dear jessica,
i have been talking to many of my friends lately and everyone seems to be forlorn. this is fine because it’s helped me realize that not only am I good at giving people advice and pushing them towards getting out of a rut (something i already knew), but so are all my friends.
everyone is really good at analyzing other peoples problems and counseling them or just being there for them when someone else is going through an issue. It seems that only when we have to turn that advice back on ourselves that it completely fails to register. I know that I have spewed out some recent gems about relational feelings and yearning and all that, but when I return to my current situation, anything i have said to a friend is utterly devoid of meaning, n/a.
I was just wondering if you – as a professional advice giver – had any thoughts as to why prescribing advice to others is so easy and puts one into a really lucid mindset, while attempting to self-prescribe this very same advice in the face of emotional intensity, makes one blind to his own blunders and powerless in the face of whatever crisis he is in the midst of. What do you do in your own advice-giving experience to RISE ABOVE, or do you fall prey to this curse as well?
-an anonymous porpoise
Dear porpoise,
Your question (especially as a part #2 to New York’s) is the bane of this whole advice giving and taking thing. It’s funny also–both your comment on me being a “professional advice giver”, but how it has actually sort of become true. I’ve had this idea for a column for years.. and now that I’ve done it I think I’ve learned a lot.
Anyway, you are absolutely right about the relationship between giving someone advice and actually taking it yourself. It’s a cliche but thing are always “easier said than done”. Giving advice can definitely be an escape from your own problems in the sense that while you are in this lucid, calm state everything seems easy and clear–even though you are mediating on someone else’s life. Nothing feels impossible and everything can be worked out one step at a time. However, these feelings can’t last forever. It seems what like you are experiencing is inevitable comedown from this advice-gem-doling-”high”, where you left alone with your own seemingly hopeless reality.
The first thing that is important to remember about giving advice to others is that because you are mostly likely removed from the situations of your friends, you have distance. This is something they do not have and you do not have from your own problems. After distance, the other thing you need to remember is that you are in control of your own destiny. Well, if not your genes or your circumstances–you are at least in control of your outlook. It sounds corny, but you really choose to let yourself be powerless. There is this amazing Tom Robbins quote that may or may not be 100% relevant, but is great anyway: “Among our egocentric sad sacks, despair is as addictive as heroin and more popular than sex, for the single reason that when one is unhappy one gets to pay a lot of attention to oneself.”
If you simply refuse to let yourself be confused and blinded by emotional intensity–you will rise above. I know it’s not always possible, and I have many weak emotional moments/decisions in my past that I am not proud of. But–I know in my heart I am strong and that’s how I get through everything. You are smart and obviously very strong also.. so just remember that. Don’t let yourself forget it.
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I’m out. THANK YOU to everyone who asked anything and to everyone who wrote me independently / read the blog! Thank you. This is all the advice I have for now–but stay tuned.. “The door is always open wide”.
Thank you for the incredible read. You really write in an impressive way. I will come by every now and then to read a new Free Advice!
Comment by roitsch — Sunday, July 19, 2009 @ 9:26 am