Dear Jessica,
My ex and I broke up around nine or ten months ago. I can honestly say that he was my first love, I have never felt so strongly for someone or felt so horrible after a break up. We still talk regularly and I think we both have feelings left for each other, but the reason for the break up was that at the time he had too much on his plate with just starting university, him living in a different city, and pursuing his dream of moving out of the province. I’m more of the type of person who believes that all you need is love, whereas he is more of the type of person who wants to stay young forever, not get married, and his life for the most part revolves around his friends. That’s not to say that he was a bad boyfriend or wasn’t affectionate – because, he was everything I could have asked for and more. He always made me feel special, drove miles to see me, wrote me poetry, told me that before me he always thought the single life was for him, etc, etc. And eventually, it seems like the single life did turn out to be what he thinks is best for him, regardless of all the things he said to me.
I’ve thought about him every single day since the break up, and it’s the worst feeling ever – not being able to let go. He is such an intelligent, artistic, beautiful, genuine, an amazing writer, and a loyal person that I just can’t forget about him. I compare all other guys to him, and I haven’t been able to find anyone who I have felt as strongly as I did about him. I feel like I will never find anyone who was as good for me as he was. He taught me so much and made me into a better person. People usually laugh when I say that, but I really do have this fear that I won’t find anyone “better”. There will be short periods of time when I feel like I’m doing fine and can get over it, but it usually lapses back to this horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault, and that he will find a girl who is more beautiful and more artistic than me. I still can’t even imagine myself feeling the same way about anyone else ever again, or having similar experiences. Will I get over this?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Nine or ten months really isn’t a lot of time. However, nine or ten months is almost on the verge of a year and for your mental health, it might be good to make a decision sooner than later if you want to be over him. You will 100%, no doubt be able get over this–but first you have to want it.
Mostly, it seems like you are idealizing him. Idealization is dangerous but also very easy to fall into, especially if you don’t see him face to face too often, but still keep in some kind of vague contact. I’m sure he is great, but he is also a human with flaws and shortcomings, just like all the other boys you compare him to. He also ultimately can’t give you what you need, as well. Also, if he is so great–you must be great, too. Focus on that: focus on yourself and feeling strong about and within yourself. Figure out what you want and what you need and accept he obviously cannot give that to you right now. And just because he can’t, does not mean no one else will ever be able to in the future. It also does not mean he won’t be able to in the future, also–but don’t dwell on that. It will just lead you nowhere. Another thing that will lead you nowhere is thinking about him meeting another girl. He will probably meet someone else, just like you will meet someone else. Its just life.. but its also more than self-defeating to compare yourself to any other girl (real or imaginary). That is a road you do not want to go down.
With any relationship that ends (good or bad), space and time are always important and will allow you to reflect on things in a more clear light. By maintaining this constant contact, you are just fueling the fire in your broken heart, so to speak. It seems like you are trying to hold onto this connection that is hurting you. Maybe you are afraid to let go, but you should not be.
Spending some time with yourself and realizing/working on what sort of person you are without him won’t do you any harm. No matter how much you two have shared/learned from each other, you were alone before you met him and were a great enough person then that he wanted to be with you. It’s okay to be alone and there is a lot of strength in it if you want it. Its a strength that may seem bittersweet at first, but is really important. If you get there, then you will allow yourself to really be over him. You will also open yourself up to so many possibilities you cannot even imagine now.
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Dear Jessica,
I am now dealing with a issue I’ve never experienced before in a relationship: extreme jealousy. I get jealous of how my other interacts with girls that are his friends, and feel he is overly friendly and accommodating to them. Even with romance aside, it just hurts my feelings to be excluded, or to fell like he’d rather hang out with them. I hate that it annoys me and affects me so much. Recently I had the opportunity to read some of his emails and I couldn’t resist because of my insecurities. This is embarrassing and I feel really guilty for invading his privacy, but I wanted to peek quick and reassure myself that he wasn’t doing anything weird. Unfortunately, I found a very lengthy correspondence with his ex-girlfriend that was unsettling. It seemed like it was mostly coming from her side, but he was reminiscing with her about the times they shared (a few years ago) and was very nostalgic. He also didn’t mention he was in a relationship. And most important I think, he didn’t tell me about her messaging him, or his responses. She lives in another state, so I’m not worried about them getting together. I’m worried that he confesses so much love to me, but is secretly reminiscing with old girlfriends. The problem, I can’t confront him without admitting I read his mail! Now I am annoyed with him, but can’t talk to him about it. I know honesty might be the best policy, but I’m scared of his reaction. Do I harbor this secret grudge against him, or take my chances and confess and get his side of the story?
-anonymously jealous
Dear anonymously jealous,
Your situation is a tricky one. Also, of the two options you are presenting–I’d like to propose a third. Before I get to that though, I want to say something about jealousy. Jealousy is one of the ugliest most unattractive human emotions. Unfortunately, it is also really normal and once the little seed is planted (by you or someone else), its really hard to shake. It sounds like you are fully aware of this, which is why you’ve written in the first place. I also feel that while jealousy is inherently ugly, it sometimes holds some truth. I’m not saying that your other is preoccupied with other girls and does not love you, but I am saying that from personal experience..it’s totally normal for a person to harbor warm (not necessarily sexual) feelings for others while still being in love with one person more than all the rest.
Okay, personal experience: I have been in a relationship where fishy things were clearly going on. I chose to ignore it and gave that person too much leeway and ended up being cheated on, hurt, and confused. I have also been in a relationship where I have harbored jealousy because my other was eerily similar to yours (sans email since I never checked his), but really I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and trusted that his feelings for me were strong and solid. In the first situation I was painfully naive and trusting, and in the second I was not trusting enough. Both ended pretty much in disaster, but at least with the first ex, we are pretty good friends now (years later). My advice to you is to neither hold these dark feelings against him secretly nor frame your fears by your sneaky email activities. I think you should force yourself to set all your feelings aside, exorcise them if you will, and give your other the benefit of the doubt. He tells you he loves you and you have to trust it. If I had to do it all over again I would rather be open and trusting than nervous, jealous, etc–in all relationship. I’d rather be fooled than fool myself into thinking my other loved me less than he did and thus act weird and ruin what we had.
As for your ex specifically emailing one of his exes: while what you describe sounds unsettling, maybe he did not tell you because you just did not need to know. Maybe it was really mostly on her side and maybe he is nostalgic, but that does not mean he does not love being with you and cherish what you two have. Or, maybe he was planning on telling you, but wasn’t ready yet. She does live in another state and is not an immediate threat, after all. However, If you really feel like you need to bring it up to him, you should. Definitely. Trust your instincts. But before you do, I think you need to calm down and really reevaluate everything. If thinking about him being a ladies man and these emails are too much for you to handle, force yourself to think about how you two interact and what you have together. If the latter is stronger, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. In any relationship it’s really important to focus on the present: not the past, not the future.
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