Dear Jessica,
I have just started working in a new job but it’s not mine yet cause they are seeing if I’m good at it. So, I’ll be here for 2 months and if they do like me and how I work then I can stay. The thing is that even if the people that work there aren’t mean to me (well as far as I know, since I’ve been there only for 4 days so far), I feel uncomfortable. It’s mainly because we are very different from each other (their economic backgrounds are better than mine, we don’t share interests, so much I think they might see me as someone weird or someone who is less than them). I’ve also been for quite a long time working freelance, so I’m a little bit antisocial and too used to working alone.
Basically I feel uncomfortable around them and don’t know how to act or talk, or what to talk about and I don’t want my work to be affected by it. Well, the truth is that I go there to work not to make friends or anything but I don’t want them to think I’m a weirdo or antisocial because then they’ll surely treat me different or talk behind my back, etc. I’m also a bit scared because my latest non-independent job opportunities were a mess and I’m fearing it will be the same with this one.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, you’re not alone! All jobs are scary at first–especially when you are one new person in a bigger group of people who all seem to know each other. Also, more likely than not, your coworkers are just as nervous around you as you are around them. Especially if you are shy. Shy people are often intimidating because no one can tell what is going on in their heads. They are mysteries. On the other hand: that’s why loud people seem to be always surrounded by friends. Even if a loud person is obnoxious, people know what to expect from them–which is comforting and safe. Anyway, being shy is not a crime and you should not feel weird about it at all. Just know that it might take your co-workers a bit of time to warm to you, but once they understand you, they will learn to at least appreciate having you around–if not love you.
Also, even though your interests and economic backgrounds differ–you all still spend so much time together doing the same thing. This is automatically at least one thing you all have in common and hey, its a start! Sometimes work friendships don’t mix with non-work friendships, which is okay. Like you said, you are not at work to make friends. However, sometimes friends you make at work are ones you would never make otherwise (exactly because you don’t share that many common interests, etc). Those are very special. All you can do for now is remind yourself not to stress out too much and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Just be kind and open and most of all, be yourself. Patience is good, too! In my own experience I’ve felt shy months into jobs–but once it passes it was like that awkward phase was never there. Four days is way too early to judge anything.
–
Dear Jessica-
My question sounds simple but has several times been very difficult to answer in my own life. What do you do when someone wants to trade art work with you and you’re really not too pumped about what they make, or don’t want to part with what they want, or (worse) both? Have you ever been in this situation? How did/would you resolve it without hurting anyone’s feelings?
Let’s just call me,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This question. This question is a tough one, but very practical. In my experience I have felt two ways. The first thing is–if I you don’t want to part with an artwork, you don’t have to. Its not like someone is holding you in your studio at gunpoint, right? If you made something, you should be able to decide 100% for yourself what you want to do with it, and if you want to keep it, keep it. As for the whole trading thing.. its a fine line and no one ever wants to hurt someone else’s feelings over their art. But, if you really don’t like what someone is doing, you don’t have to necessarily feel obligated to trade. I mean, if it gets really bad and you feel like you really can’t get out of it, you can also decide what you want to trade with them. Also, instead of trading an original work, you can trade a photograph or a print or even a book/zine you’ve made. Something you can spare, so to speak.
In my own experience, I don’t usually do trades unless I know the person really well or love their work. This is mostly just because even though my website makes me look so productive and prolific, I don’t really make too many of certain things: drawings, for example. I’m actually very sensitive about trading drawings, because in the past few years I’ve barely made any. Usually I save them and give them to people who I love, but even that is rare. Sometimes I even sell them, which the people I love (Hi Mom!) would actually prefer. In all seriousness, though: a few times I’ve found myself in your exact situation. Usually if you just explain that you don’t have anything you’d like to trade at the moment, that settles things. Not too many people get pushy after you show slight signs of hesitation. And if they do, you probably wouldn’t want to trade with them even if you liked their work.
–
Dear Jessica,
I am 22 this year and had never a serious relationship. Not to say I had a lot of flings either, because I didn’t. It would be safe to say that I am not particularly physically or psychologically repulsive. I am a good person and a good friend. I am not a social butterfly but I am not anti-social. I don’t go to clubs and pubs but I am not afraid of talking to strangers. I am a little bit of a homebody and nerd, but I don’t look like one.
I keep my feelings of attraction to myself, and as my experience tells me, it is actually a good thing (for me at least), so I intend to keep it that way. I tend to only attract guys whom I have no romantic feelings for. Although that doesn’t happen very often, either. I don’t have a whole lot of expectations for love or soulmate but I do assume my heart will tell me when the person is right. Is that wrong to believe? I am a little worried now (but not enough for me to make myself more active) because I think being 22 and inexperienced, would be possibly be a big turn-off. What should I do? Should I join e-Harmony or continue living the way I have always had? I just don’t want to die without experiencing romantic love.
Lonelygal0484
Dear Lonelygal10484,
Don’t worry, you won’t be alone forever! I know that was not your question, but it sounds sort of similar in a Facebook quiz sort of way. I am 100% sure that you are not physically or psychologically repulsive, too. However, it sounds like your being single has little to do with those things. You seem to be very together–which is actually maybe part of it.
People, especially boys, are thicker than you would imagine. The ones you like probably have no idea that you like them, especially if you hide your feelings half as well as it sounds you do. Even if you are sometimes sad and lonely, if you do it quietly and in private–no one will know. I think a lot of young people (22 is young!) get in relationships because they are lonely and actively searching for something to fill that void. If you are not actively searching or seem happy alone, no one will know. Also if you seem quiet and/or cold, people will be even more intimidated. It goes back to what I said in the first advice: people are nervous at first around shy people, because they have no idea what is going on in their heads. And again, there is nothing wrong with being shy! There is nothing wrong about being nerdy or a being a homebody! Also, there is nothing wrong about being inexperienced. A lot more people are as inexperienced as you (or more) than you think. That doesn’t mean that you will stay that way forever, either. While love and romance may have a long and rough learning curve, experience is a much shorter curve.
If anything, try to be more open. Not just to boys, but just to making friends in general and doing social things. Meeting people leads to getting to know them better which leads to meeting more people.. possibly even someone you could feel something for. If meeting people seems like too much sometimes, trying something like E-harmony can’t hurt. Its all about what makes you feel comfortable. And as for your heart telling you if its right–I want to believe in that and to some extent I do. I think when you meet someone who is on the same level as you, you can feel it–an electrical connection of sorts. A force field of good energy (this applies to friends, too). But sniffing out a soulmate.. I’m not so sure. My heart has lied–both to me and itself, many times. However, I’m hopeless. I do what feels right and suffer the consequences. All in all everything evens out, though. Its good to be open to people, even if they are not “the one”. Every experience is valuable and special if you treat it that way.
You're not alone lonelygirl!
Jessica, you are so wise and sweet. I really enjoy reading all your answers.
Comment by Angie — Tuesday, June 16, 2009 @ 1:35 pm