Houston
Friday, July 03, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sometimes I think a lot of the progression/migration of image.. mostly how a single image popping up in different places can not only change its meaning, but grants it a unique history.
For example: almost exactly a year ago I took the photograph above of a glorious plant in San Francisco when I briefly lived there. Since then its been featured on the window of KRETS in Malmö, Sweden when I had a show there last October and then--the same print--is hanging behind an Urban Outfitters model.. because part of their upcoming catalog was shot in my apartment. I just saw the pic above on the front of their website, but the whole catalog should be out soon in stores! Strange world.
ALSO: Tomorrow is the last day for FREE ADVICE. If you have been holding out asking something, ask me tonight and I'll answer it tomorrow!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I have a new collage in a group show that opens in a week at Subliminal Projects in LA. More info can be found here.
"The New Utopia, opening June 27 at the Subliminal Projects gallery, offers multiple representations of utopias from a diverse group of creatives: artists, designers, writers, musicians, publishers, and other visionaries who are currently reshaping our culture. Curated by Studio Number One, the exhibition is the second installment of their annual Park Life series, bringing diverse talent together for a moment in space and time."
(This photo was stolen from Joel's flickr.)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Free Advice #10
Dear Jessica,
I already messaged you concerning troubles with my ex. I've taken what you said to heart, it really did help. I think it would be for the best if him and I stopped talking, because it doesn't seem like anything can get fixed that way. I think that I need some time to work on myself, and that it will be a very long time before I am ready to date anyone again. Do you think that this would be the best way to avoid comparing future relationships/interests to him? It almost feels like when I'm feeling confident about getting over this, I fall back into the same pit of reminiscing and whatnot, only because I feel like I shouldn't be happy in this situation.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you definitely need to stop comparing anyone to him. Its so rough at first, but given time it really will become easy. And as I said before, you are probably idealizing him.. so the him you are comparing everyone else to may not even exist. The person in your head may not be even able to exist. There are so many people in the world with so much to offer--and you have so much to offer, too.
As for falling back into dark feelings, its totally natural; it's not easy and it's not fun.. but it's life. However, you feeling like you shouldn't be happy--that is absolutely no good. Why shouldn't you be happy? You are young and you feel like you have already been in love. That is something rare and special. Now that you are alone, you have time to do what you want and work on knowing yourself and finding out what you want to do in life. You also have so much time to meet someone else, possibly many other someone elses--who you can love in all sorts of different ways. Love does not take one form and does not exist just between two specific people. It has no bounds and it is the best when it is expressed openly and freely. Take time to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy.
Also: if you feel terrified or like you are slipping back into bad patterns, remember to take things one small step at a time. You will be fine.
--
Hi Jessica,
I'm taking advantage of your last day as a counsellor and I want you to give some advice... Lately I've become very frustrated and increasingly bored with life, routine, friends, music, books... all I long for is to sell everything I own and shoot off somewhere, anywhere, as long as it's far away, I have been trying to get art grants to do photography projects somewhere exotic, I have been looking for work all over the world, I am even saving money (but very slowly) but nothing is proving very effective: I'm still stuck in the city I thought that was going to be great for me but now I hate it, I'm becoming very irritable and grumpy and I hate being like this... what can I do? I just want to be wild!
xo
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Wanderlust is something I suffer from a lot. When things get boring or rough, it's so tempting to just drop everything and take off for a completely foreign and exotic place. A place where you know no one at all and your troubles can't follow you, etc. However, the world is always smaller than you think it is and problems are tenacious: they don't care where you are or what you are doing. That said, leaving or going somewhere else may distract you for awhile, but you might still get bored and grumpy eventually.
There is totally merit in wanting a change of scenery, though. It's good to get away--but maybe you don't need to go as far away as you think. I'm not exactly sure where you live, but it might be nice to find a way (by bus, train, bike, etc) out to a close suburb or city that you have either never been to. Or, if you live in a city where you can walk everywhere--try taking a new route home or to a destination you often go to. Even small diversions can become new and special adventures depending on your mindset. Maybe it is cheating because I live in New York, but in the past few months I have been taking very long walks (both alone and with friends) and they have been some of the most rewarding experiences. Even walking from my work to a subway a good 45 minutes away feels good to me / shows me things I do not see every day. Though this may not entirely cure how you feel, it will start something. It will either solidify how you feel about leaving where you are, or it may help you realize that place (in and of itself) may not be what is wrong.
P.S. It seems like a lot of what I wrote is about feeling free--not wild. They are related, though. Maybe you need to go somewhere with more trees and grass, etc--somewhere you can run around!
--
Dear Jessica,
I have been seeing this boy for about five weeks now. It's been super casual and fun and developed in a very natural way. We met through some friends, hooked up, and have been hanging ever since. What I really like about it is that it lacks the weird pressure that dating in your 20s normally does -- no weird dinner dates, no pressure to see each other every day of the week (we see each other 1-2 days a week). I normally get really freaked out by the commitment and intensity of the relationship and run screaming in the other direction after a month. There's only one catch: he's been seeing this other girl the whole time. And she has no idea that I exist. I have gone to my friends for advice, and I am hearing variations on the same thing "you gotta talk to him." I agree that it's time to broach the subject with a "hey, you're seeing another girl who doesn't know about me. What's up with that?" I was feeling confident about the situation until I started asking all my friends who have now started to refer to me as the other woman in a married relationship. I want to say: come on, friends, we're only 20! Stop thinking about things in these terms! My question is: how do I separate the (bad) advice that I'm getting from some of my friends from the way that I feel naturally? They are starting to drive me crazy!
Sorting out my feelings in New York
Dear New York,
Your situation is a tricky one, but it seems like you have a pretty gold hold on it. However, that might be exactly why your friends are all driving you crazy..
Advice is strange because while there some things you hear and you think to yourself "yes--this is universally right", every situation is so minutely unique and complicated that no advice can be truly 100% universal. While you agree with your friends that something needs to be done, everyone handles situations in different ways and it seems like they are glossing over that part and want you to handle your situation like they would. There is nothing wrong with that, and they may not even know that is what they are telling you to do. Ultimately, you will have to make your own decisions and doing what feels right to you naturally should be the #1 priority. It's your life, after all. Its also important to sort out in your head what advice is coming from who. Is this advice that clashes with your gut feelings coming from someone who is in happy, stable mental state / someone worth emulating, etc? If the answer is "no" or "no.. not exactly".. take that advice with a grain of salt. Don't disregard it completely--your friends are just trying to look out for your best interests--but don't take it to heart unfiltered. Trust yourself and don't let anyone else make you stress out over your own situation!
--
dear jessica,
i have been talking to many of my friends lately and everyone seems to be forlorn. this is fine because it's helped me realize that not only am I good at giving people advice and pushing them towards getting out of a rut (something i already knew), but so are all my friends.
everyone is really good at analyzing other peoples problems and counseling them or just being there for them when someone else is going through an issue. It seems that only when we have to turn that advice back on ourselves that it completely fails to register. I know that I have spewed out some recent gems about relational feelings and yearning and all that, but when I return to my current situation, anything i have said to a friend is utterly devoid of meaning, n/a.
I was just wondering if you - as a professional advice giver - had any thoughts as to why prescribing advice to others is so easy and puts one into a really lucid mindset, while attempting to self-prescribe this very same advice in the face of emotional intensity, makes one blind to his own blunders and powerless in the face of whatever crisis he is in the midst of. What do you do in your own advice-giving experience to RISE ABOVE, or do you fall prey to this curse as well?
-an anonymous porpoise
Dear porpoise,
Your question (especially as a part #2 to New York's) is the bane of this whole advice giving and taking thing. It's funny also--both your comment on me being a "professional advice giver", but how it has actually sort of become true. I've had this idea for a column for years.. and now that I've done it I think I've learned a lot.
Anyway, you are absolutely right about the relationship between giving someone advice and actually taking it yourself. It's a cliche but thing are always "easier said than done". Giving advice can definitely be an escape from your own problems in the sense that while you are in this lucid, calm state everything seems easy and clear--even though you are mediating on someone else's life. Nothing feels impossible and everything can be worked out one step at a time. However, these feelings can't last forever. It seems what like you are experiencing is inevitable comedown from this advice-gem-doling-"high", where you left alone with your own seemingly hopeless reality.
The first thing that is important to remember about giving advice to others is that because you are mostly likely removed from the situations of your friends, you have distance. This is something they do not have and you do not have from your own problems. After distance, the other thing you need to remember is that you are in control of your own destiny. Well, if not your genes or your circumstances--you are at least in control of your outlook. It sounds corny, but you really choose to let yourself be powerless. There is this amazing Tom Robbins quote that may or may not be 100% relevant, but is great anyway: "Among our egocentric sad sacks, despair is as addictive as heroin and more popular than sex, for the single reason that when one is unhappy one gets to pay a lot of attention to oneself."
If you simply refuse to let yourself be confused and blinded by emotional intensity--you will rise above. I know it's not always possible, and I have many weak emotional moments/decisions in my past that I am not proud of. But--I know in my heart I am strong and that's how I get through everything. You are smart and obviously very strong also.. so just remember that. Don't let yourself forget it.
--
I'm out. THANK YOU to everyone who asked anything and to everyone who wrote me independently / read the blog! Thank you. This is all the advice I have for now--but stay tuned.. "The door is always open wide".
I already messaged you concerning troubles with my ex. I've taken what you said to heart, it really did help. I think it would be for the best if him and I stopped talking, because it doesn't seem like anything can get fixed that way. I think that I need some time to work on myself, and that it will be a very long time before I am ready to date anyone again. Do you think that this would be the best way to avoid comparing future relationships/interests to him? It almost feels like when I'm feeling confident about getting over this, I fall back into the same pit of reminiscing and whatnot, only because I feel like I shouldn't be happy in this situation.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you definitely need to stop comparing anyone to him. Its so rough at first, but given time it really will become easy. And as I said before, you are probably idealizing him.. so the him you are comparing everyone else to may not even exist. The person in your head may not be even able to exist. There are so many people in the world with so much to offer--and you have so much to offer, too.
As for falling back into dark feelings, its totally natural; it's not easy and it's not fun.. but it's life. However, you feeling like you shouldn't be happy--that is absolutely no good. Why shouldn't you be happy? You are young and you feel like you have already been in love. That is something rare and special. Now that you are alone, you have time to do what you want and work on knowing yourself and finding out what you want to do in life. You also have so much time to meet someone else, possibly many other someone elses--who you can love in all sorts of different ways. Love does not take one form and does not exist just between two specific people. It has no bounds and it is the best when it is expressed openly and freely. Take time to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy.
Also: if you feel terrified or like you are slipping back into bad patterns, remember to take things one small step at a time. You will be fine.
--
Hi Jessica,
I'm taking advantage of your last day as a counsellor and I want you to give some advice... Lately I've become very frustrated and increasingly bored with life, routine, friends, music, books... all I long for is to sell everything I own and shoot off somewhere, anywhere, as long as it's far away, I have been trying to get art grants to do photography projects somewhere exotic, I have been looking for work all over the world, I am even saving money (but very slowly) but nothing is proving very effective: I'm still stuck in the city I thought that was going to be great for me but now I hate it, I'm becoming very irritable and grumpy and I hate being like this... what can I do? I just want to be wild!
xo
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Wanderlust is something I suffer from a lot. When things get boring or rough, it's so tempting to just drop everything and take off for a completely foreign and exotic place. A place where you know no one at all and your troubles can't follow you, etc. However, the world is always smaller than you think it is and problems are tenacious: they don't care where you are or what you are doing. That said, leaving or going somewhere else may distract you for awhile, but you might still get bored and grumpy eventually.
There is totally merit in wanting a change of scenery, though. It's good to get away--but maybe you don't need to go as far away as you think. I'm not exactly sure where you live, but it might be nice to find a way (by bus, train, bike, etc) out to a close suburb or city that you have either never been to. Or, if you live in a city where you can walk everywhere--try taking a new route home or to a destination you often go to. Even small diversions can become new and special adventures depending on your mindset. Maybe it is cheating because I live in New York, but in the past few months I have been taking very long walks (both alone and with friends) and they have been some of the most rewarding experiences. Even walking from my work to a subway a good 45 minutes away feels good to me / shows me things I do not see every day. Though this may not entirely cure how you feel, it will start something. It will either solidify how you feel about leaving where you are, or it may help you realize that place (in and of itself) may not be what is wrong.
P.S. It seems like a lot of what I wrote is about feeling free--not wild. They are related, though. Maybe you need to go somewhere with more trees and grass, etc--somewhere you can run around!
--
Dear Jessica,
I have been seeing this boy for about five weeks now. It's been super casual and fun and developed in a very natural way. We met through some friends, hooked up, and have been hanging ever since. What I really like about it is that it lacks the weird pressure that dating in your 20s normally does -- no weird dinner dates, no pressure to see each other every day of the week (we see each other 1-2 days a week). I normally get really freaked out by the commitment and intensity of the relationship and run screaming in the other direction after a month. There's only one catch: he's been seeing this other girl the whole time. And she has no idea that I exist. I have gone to my friends for advice, and I am hearing variations on the same thing "you gotta talk to him." I agree that it's time to broach the subject with a "hey, you're seeing another girl who doesn't know about me. What's up with that?" I was feeling confident about the situation until I started asking all my friends who have now started to refer to me as the other woman in a married relationship. I want to say: come on, friends, we're only 20! Stop thinking about things in these terms! My question is: how do I separate the (bad) advice that I'm getting from some of my friends from the way that I feel naturally? They are starting to drive me crazy!
Sorting out my feelings in New York
Dear New York,
Your situation is a tricky one, but it seems like you have a pretty gold hold on it. However, that might be exactly why your friends are all driving you crazy..
Advice is strange because while there some things you hear and you think to yourself "yes--this is universally right", every situation is so minutely unique and complicated that no advice can be truly 100% universal. While you agree with your friends that something needs to be done, everyone handles situations in different ways and it seems like they are glossing over that part and want you to handle your situation like they would. There is nothing wrong with that, and they may not even know that is what they are telling you to do. Ultimately, you will have to make your own decisions and doing what feels right to you naturally should be the #1 priority. It's your life, after all. Its also important to sort out in your head what advice is coming from who. Is this advice that clashes with your gut feelings coming from someone who is in happy, stable mental state / someone worth emulating, etc? If the answer is "no" or "no.. not exactly".. take that advice with a grain of salt. Don't disregard it completely--your friends are just trying to look out for your best interests--but don't take it to heart unfiltered. Trust yourself and don't let anyone else make you stress out over your own situation!
--
dear jessica,
i have been talking to many of my friends lately and everyone seems to be forlorn. this is fine because it's helped me realize that not only am I good at giving people advice and pushing them towards getting out of a rut (something i already knew), but so are all my friends.
everyone is really good at analyzing other peoples problems and counseling them or just being there for them when someone else is going through an issue. It seems that only when we have to turn that advice back on ourselves that it completely fails to register. I know that I have spewed out some recent gems about relational feelings and yearning and all that, but when I return to my current situation, anything i have said to a friend is utterly devoid of meaning, n/a.
I was just wondering if you - as a professional advice giver - had any thoughts as to why prescribing advice to others is so easy and puts one into a really lucid mindset, while attempting to self-prescribe this very same advice in the face of emotional intensity, makes one blind to his own blunders and powerless in the face of whatever crisis he is in the midst of. What do you do in your own advice-giving experience to RISE ABOVE, or do you fall prey to this curse as well?
-an anonymous porpoise
Dear porpoise,
Your question (especially as a part #2 to New York's) is the bane of this whole advice giving and taking thing. It's funny also--both your comment on me being a "professional advice giver", but how it has actually sort of become true. I've had this idea for a column for years.. and now that I've done it I think I've learned a lot.
Anyway, you are absolutely right about the relationship between giving someone advice and actually taking it yourself. It's a cliche but thing are always "easier said than done". Giving advice can definitely be an escape from your own problems in the sense that while you are in this lucid, calm state everything seems easy and clear--even though you are mediating on someone else's life. Nothing feels impossible and everything can be worked out one step at a time. However, these feelings can't last forever. It seems what like you are experiencing is inevitable comedown from this advice-gem-doling-"high", where you left alone with your own seemingly hopeless reality.
The first thing that is important to remember about giving advice to others is that because you are mostly likely removed from the situations of your friends, you have distance. This is something they do not have and you do not have from your own problems. After distance, the other thing you need to remember is that you are in control of your own destiny. Well, if not your genes or your circumstances--you are at least in control of your outlook. It sounds corny, but you really choose to let yourself be powerless. There is this amazing Tom Robbins quote that may or may not be 100% relevant, but is great anyway: "Among our egocentric sad sacks, despair is as addictive as heroin and more popular than sex, for the single reason that when one is unhappy one gets to pay a lot of attention to oneself."
If you simply refuse to let yourself be confused and blinded by emotional intensity--you will rise above. I know it's not always possible, and I have many weak emotional moments/decisions in my past that I am not proud of. But--I know in my heart I am strong and that's how I get through everything. You are smart and obviously very strong also.. so just remember that. Don't let yourself forget it.
--
I'm out. THANK YOU to everyone who asked anything and to everyone who wrote me independently / read the blog! Thank you. This is all the advice I have for now--but stay tuned.. "The door is always open wide".
Labels: FREE ADVICE
From San Franciso to Sweden to The Internet
Sometimes I think a lot of the progression/migration of image.. mostly how a single image popping up in different places can not only change its meaning, but grants it a unique history.
For example: almost exactly a year ago I took the photograph above of a glorious plant in San Francisco when I briefly lived there. Since then its been featured on the window of KRETS in Malmö, Sweden when I had a show there last October and then--the same print--is hanging behind an Urban Outfitters model.. because part of their upcoming catalog was shot in my apartment. I just saw the pic above on the front of their website, but the whole catalog should be out soon in stores! Strange world.
ALSO: Tomorrow is the last day for FREE ADVICE. If you have been holding out asking something, ask me tonight and I'll answer it tomorrow!
Labels: weird
Free Advice #9
Dear Jessica,
My ex and I broke up around nine or ten months ago. I can honestly say that he was my first love, I have never felt so strongly for someone or felt so horrible after a break up. We still talk regularly and I think we both have feelings left for each other, but the reason for the break up was that at the time he had too much on his plate with just starting university, him living in a different city, and pursuing his dream of moving out of the province. I'm more of the type of person who believes that all you need is love, whereas he is more of the type of person who wants to stay young forever, not get married, and his life for the most part revolves around his friends. That's not to say that he was a bad boyfriend or wasn't affectionate - because, he was everything I could have asked for and more. He always made me feel special, drove miles to see me, wrote me poetry, told me that before me he always thought the single life was for him, etc, etc. And eventually, it seems like the single life did turn out to be what he thinks is best for him, regardless of all the things he said to me.
I've thought about him every single day since the break up, and it's the worst feeling ever - not being able to let go. He is such an intelligent, artistic, beautiful, genuine, an amazing writer, and a loyal person that I just can't forget about him. I compare all other guys to him, and I haven't been able to find anyone who I have felt as strongly as I did about him. I feel like I will never find anyone who was as good for me as he was. He taught me so much and made me into a better person. People usually laugh when I say that, but I really do have this fear that I won't find anyone "better". There will be short periods of time when I feel like I'm doing fine and can get over it, but it usually lapses back to this horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault, and that he will find a girl who is more beautiful and more artistic than me. I still can't even imagine myself feeling the same way about anyone else ever again, or having similar experiences. Will I get over this?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Nine or ten months really isn't a lot of time. However, nine or ten months is almost on the verge of a year and for your mental health, it might be good to make a decision sooner than later if you want to be over him. You will 100%, no doubt be able get over this--but first you have to want it.
Mostly, it seems like you are idealizing him. Idealization is dangerous but also very easy to fall into, especially if you don't see him face to face too often, but still keep in some kind of vague contact. I'm sure he is great, but he is also a human with flaws and shortcomings, just like all the other boys you compare him to. He also ultimately can't give you what you need, as well. Also, if he is so great--you must be great, too. Focus on that: focus on yourself and feeling strong about and within yourself. Figure out what you want and what you need and accept he obviously cannot give that to you right now. And just because he can't, does not mean no one else will ever be able to in the future. It also does not mean he won't be able to in the future, also--but don't dwell on that. It will just lead you nowhere. Another thing that will lead you nowhere is thinking about him meeting another girl. He will probably meet someone else, just like you will meet someone else. Its just life.. but its also more than self-defeating to compare yourself to any other girl (real or imaginary). That is a road you do not want to go down.
With any relationship that ends (good or bad), space and time are always important and will allow you to reflect on things in a more clear light. By maintaining this constant contact, you are just fueling the fire in your broken heart, so to speak. It seems like you are trying to hold onto this connection that is hurting you. Maybe you are afraid to let go, but you should not be.
Spending some time with yourself and realizing/working on what sort of person you are without him won't do you any harm. No matter how much you two have shared/learned from each other, you were alone before you met him and were a great enough person then that he wanted to be with you. It's okay to be alone and there is a lot of strength in it if you want it. Its a strength that may seem bittersweet at first, but is really important. If you get there, then you will allow yourself to really be over him. You will also open yourself up to so many possibilities you cannot even imagine now.
--
Dear Jessica,
I am now dealing with a issue I've never experienced before in a relationship: extreme jealousy. I get jealous of how my other interacts with girls that are his friends, and feel he is overly friendly and accommodating to them. Even with romance aside, it just hurts my feelings to be excluded, or to fell like he'd rather hang out with them. I hate that it annoys me and affects me so much. Recently I had the opportunity to read some of his emails and I couldn't resist because of my insecurities. This is embarrassing and I feel really guilty for invading his privacy, but I wanted to peek quick and reassure myself that he wasn't doing anything weird. Unfortunately, I found a very lengthy correspondence with his ex-girlfriend that was unsettling. It seemed like it was mostly coming from her side, but he was reminiscing with her about the times they shared (a few years ago) and was very nostalgic. He also didn't mention he was in a relationship. And most important I think, he didn't tell me about her messaging him, or his responses. She lives in another state, so I'm not worried about them getting together. I'm worried that he confesses so much love to me, but is secretly reminiscing with old girlfriends. The problem, I can't confront him without admitting I read his mail! Now I am annoyed with him, but can't talk to him about it. I know honesty might be the best policy, but I'm scared of his reaction. Do I harbor this secret grudge against him, or take my chances and confess and get his side of the story?
-anonymously jealous
Dear anonymously jealous,
Your situation is a tricky one. Also, of the two options you are presenting--I'd like to propose a third. Before I get to that though, I want to say something about jealousy. Jealousy is one of the ugliest most unattractive human emotions. Unfortunately, it is also really normal and once the little seed is planted (by you or someone else), its really hard to shake. It sounds like you are fully aware of this, which is why you've written in the first place. I also feel that while jealousy is inherently ugly, it sometimes holds some truth. I'm not saying that your other is preoccupied with other girls and does not love you, but I am saying that from personal experience..it's totally normal for a person to harbor warm (not necessarily sexual) feelings for others while still being in love with one person more than all the rest.
Okay, personal experience: I have been in a relationship where fishy things were clearly going on. I chose to ignore it and gave that person too much leeway and ended up being cheated on, hurt, and confused. I have also been in a relationship where I have harbored jealousy because my other was eerily similar to yours (sans email since I never checked his), but really I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and trusted that his feelings for me were strong and solid. In the first situation I was painfully naive and trusting, and in the second I was not trusting enough. Both ended pretty much in disaster, but at least with the first ex, we are pretty good friends now (years later). My advice to you is to neither hold these dark feelings against him secretly nor frame your fears by your sneaky email activities. I think you should force yourself to set all your feelings aside, exorcise them if you will, and give your other the benefit of the doubt. He tells you he loves you and you have to trust it. If I had to do it all over again I would rather be open and trusting than nervous, jealous, etc--in all relationship. I'd rather be fooled than fool myself into thinking my other loved me less than he did and thus act weird and ruin what we had.
As for your ex specifically emailing one of his exes: while what you describe sounds unsettling, maybe he did not tell you because you just did not need to know. Maybe it was really mostly on her side and maybe he is nostalgic, but that does not mean he does not love being with you and cherish what you two have. Or, maybe he was planning on telling you, but wasn't ready yet. She does live in another state and is not an immediate threat, after all. However, If you really feel like you need to bring it up to him, you should. Definitely. Trust your instincts. But before you do, I think you need to calm down and really reevaluate everything. If thinking about him being a ladies man and these emails are too much for you to handle, force yourself to think about how you two interact and what you have together. If the latter is stronger, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. In any relationship it's really important to focus on the present: not the past, not the future.
--
Heads up: the final week of this 10 week installment of Free Advice is next Friday!
My ex and I broke up around nine or ten months ago. I can honestly say that he was my first love, I have never felt so strongly for someone or felt so horrible after a break up. We still talk regularly and I think we both have feelings left for each other, but the reason for the break up was that at the time he had too much on his plate with just starting university, him living in a different city, and pursuing his dream of moving out of the province. I'm more of the type of person who believes that all you need is love, whereas he is more of the type of person who wants to stay young forever, not get married, and his life for the most part revolves around his friends. That's not to say that he was a bad boyfriend or wasn't affectionate - because, he was everything I could have asked for and more. He always made me feel special, drove miles to see me, wrote me poetry, told me that before me he always thought the single life was for him, etc, etc. And eventually, it seems like the single life did turn out to be what he thinks is best for him, regardless of all the things he said to me.
I've thought about him every single day since the break up, and it's the worst feeling ever - not being able to let go. He is such an intelligent, artistic, beautiful, genuine, an amazing writer, and a loyal person that I just can't forget about him. I compare all other guys to him, and I haven't been able to find anyone who I have felt as strongly as I did about him. I feel like I will never find anyone who was as good for me as he was. He taught me so much and made me into a better person. People usually laugh when I say that, but I really do have this fear that I won't find anyone "better". There will be short periods of time when I feel like I'm doing fine and can get over it, but it usually lapses back to this horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault, and that he will find a girl who is more beautiful and more artistic than me. I still can't even imagine myself feeling the same way about anyone else ever again, or having similar experiences. Will I get over this?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Nine or ten months really isn't a lot of time. However, nine or ten months is almost on the verge of a year and for your mental health, it might be good to make a decision sooner than later if you want to be over him. You will 100%, no doubt be able get over this--but first you have to want it.
Mostly, it seems like you are idealizing him. Idealization is dangerous but also very easy to fall into, especially if you don't see him face to face too often, but still keep in some kind of vague contact. I'm sure he is great, but he is also a human with flaws and shortcomings, just like all the other boys you compare him to. He also ultimately can't give you what you need, as well. Also, if he is so great--you must be great, too. Focus on that: focus on yourself and feeling strong about and within yourself. Figure out what you want and what you need and accept he obviously cannot give that to you right now. And just because he can't, does not mean no one else will ever be able to in the future. It also does not mean he won't be able to in the future, also--but don't dwell on that. It will just lead you nowhere. Another thing that will lead you nowhere is thinking about him meeting another girl. He will probably meet someone else, just like you will meet someone else. Its just life.. but its also more than self-defeating to compare yourself to any other girl (real or imaginary). That is a road you do not want to go down.
With any relationship that ends (good or bad), space and time are always important and will allow you to reflect on things in a more clear light. By maintaining this constant contact, you are just fueling the fire in your broken heart, so to speak. It seems like you are trying to hold onto this connection that is hurting you. Maybe you are afraid to let go, but you should not be.
Spending some time with yourself and realizing/working on what sort of person you are without him won't do you any harm. No matter how much you two have shared/learned from each other, you were alone before you met him and were a great enough person then that he wanted to be with you. It's okay to be alone and there is a lot of strength in it if you want it. Its a strength that may seem bittersweet at first, but is really important. If you get there, then you will allow yourself to really be over him. You will also open yourself up to so many possibilities you cannot even imagine now.
--
Dear Jessica,
I am now dealing with a issue I've never experienced before in a relationship: extreme jealousy. I get jealous of how my other interacts with girls that are his friends, and feel he is overly friendly and accommodating to them. Even with romance aside, it just hurts my feelings to be excluded, or to fell like he'd rather hang out with them. I hate that it annoys me and affects me so much. Recently I had the opportunity to read some of his emails and I couldn't resist because of my insecurities. This is embarrassing and I feel really guilty for invading his privacy, but I wanted to peek quick and reassure myself that he wasn't doing anything weird. Unfortunately, I found a very lengthy correspondence with his ex-girlfriend that was unsettling. It seemed like it was mostly coming from her side, but he was reminiscing with her about the times they shared (a few years ago) and was very nostalgic. He also didn't mention he was in a relationship. And most important I think, he didn't tell me about her messaging him, or his responses. She lives in another state, so I'm not worried about them getting together. I'm worried that he confesses so much love to me, but is secretly reminiscing with old girlfriends. The problem, I can't confront him without admitting I read his mail! Now I am annoyed with him, but can't talk to him about it. I know honesty might be the best policy, but I'm scared of his reaction. Do I harbor this secret grudge against him, or take my chances and confess and get his side of the story?
-anonymously jealous
Dear anonymously jealous,
Your situation is a tricky one. Also, of the two options you are presenting--I'd like to propose a third. Before I get to that though, I want to say something about jealousy. Jealousy is one of the ugliest most unattractive human emotions. Unfortunately, it is also really normal and once the little seed is planted (by you or someone else), its really hard to shake. It sounds like you are fully aware of this, which is why you've written in the first place. I also feel that while jealousy is inherently ugly, it sometimes holds some truth. I'm not saying that your other is preoccupied with other girls and does not love you, but I am saying that from personal experience..it's totally normal for a person to harbor warm (not necessarily sexual) feelings for others while still being in love with one person more than all the rest.
Okay, personal experience: I have been in a relationship where fishy things were clearly going on. I chose to ignore it and gave that person too much leeway and ended up being cheated on, hurt, and confused. I have also been in a relationship where I have harbored jealousy because my other was eerily similar to yours (sans email since I never checked his), but really I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and trusted that his feelings for me were strong and solid. In the first situation I was painfully naive and trusting, and in the second I was not trusting enough. Both ended pretty much in disaster, but at least with the first ex, we are pretty good friends now (years later). My advice to you is to neither hold these dark feelings against him secretly nor frame your fears by your sneaky email activities. I think you should force yourself to set all your feelings aside, exorcise them if you will, and give your other the benefit of the doubt. He tells you he loves you and you have to trust it. If I had to do it all over again I would rather be open and trusting than nervous, jealous, etc--in all relationship. I'd rather be fooled than fool myself into thinking my other loved me less than he did and thus act weird and ruin what we had.
As for your ex specifically emailing one of his exes: while what you describe sounds unsettling, maybe he did not tell you because you just did not need to know. Maybe it was really mostly on her side and maybe he is nostalgic, but that does not mean he does not love being with you and cherish what you two have. Or, maybe he was planning on telling you, but wasn't ready yet. She does live in another state and is not an immediate threat, after all. However, If you really feel like you need to bring it up to him, you should. Definitely. Trust your instincts. But before you do, I think you need to calm down and really reevaluate everything. If thinking about him being a ladies man and these emails are too much for you to handle, force yourself to think about how you two interact and what you have together. If the latter is stronger, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. In any relationship it's really important to focus on the present: not the past, not the future.
--
Heads up: the final week of this 10 week installment of Free Advice is next Friday!
Labels: FREE ADVICE
The New Utopia
I have a new collage in a group show that opens in a week at Subliminal Projects in LA. More info can be found here.
"The New Utopia, opening June 27 at the Subliminal Projects gallery, offers multiple representations of utopias from a diverse group of creatives: artists, designers, writers, musicians, publishers, and other visionaries who are currently reshaping our culture. Curated by Studio Number One, the exhibition is the second installment of their annual Park Life series, bringing diverse talent together for a moment in space and time."
(This photo was stolen from Joel's flickr.)
Labels: shows
Free Advice #8
Dear Jessica,
I have just started working in a new job but it's not mine yet cause they are seeing if I'm good at it. So, I'll be here for 2 months and if they do like me and how I work then I can stay. The thing is that even if the people that work there aren't mean to me (well as far as I know, since I've been there only for 4 days so far), I feel uncomfortable. It's mainly because we are very different from each other (their economic backgrounds are better than mine, we don't share interests, so much I think they might see me as someone weird or someone who is less than them). I've also been for quite a long time working freelance, so I'm a little bit antisocial and too used to working alone.
Basically I feel uncomfortable around them and don't know how to act or talk, or what to talk about and I don't want my work to be affected by it. Well, the truth is that I go there to work not to make friends or anything but I don't want them to think I'm a weirdo or antisocial because then they'll surely treat me different or talk behind my back, etc. I'm also a bit scared because my latest non-independent job opportunities were a mess and I'm fearing it will be the same with this one.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, you're not alone! All jobs are scary at first--especially when you are one new person in a bigger group of people who all seem to know each other. Also, more likely than not, your coworkers are just as nervous around you as you are around them. Especially if you are shy. Shy people are often intimidating because no one can tell what is going on in their heads. They are mysteries. On the other hand: that's why loud people seem to be always surrounded by friends. Even if a loud person is obnoxious, people know what to expect from them--which is comforting and safe. Anyway, being shy is not a crime and you should not feel weird about it at all. Just know that it might take your co-workers a bit of time to warm to you, but once they understand you, they will learn to at least appreciate having you around--if not love you.
Also, even though your interests and economic backgrounds differ--you all still spend so much time together doing the same thing. This is automatically at least one thing you all have in common and hey, its a start! Sometimes work friendships don't mix with non-work friendships, which is okay. Like you said, you are not at work to make friends. However, sometimes friends you make at work are ones you would never make otherwise (exactly because you don't share that many common interests, etc). Those are very special. All you can do for now is remind yourself not to stress out too much and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Just be kind and open and most of all, be yourself. Patience is good, too! In my own experience I've felt shy months into jobs--but once it passes it was like that awkward phase was never there. Four days is way too early to judge anything.
--
Dear Jessica-
My question sounds simple but has several times been very difficult to answer in my own life. What do you do when someone wants to trade art work with you and you're really not too pumped about what they make, or don't want to part with what they want, or (worse) both? Have you ever been in this situation? How did/would you resolve it without hurting anyone's feelings?
Let's just call me,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This question. This question is a tough one, but very practical. In my experience I have felt two ways. The first thing is--if I you don't want to part with an artwork, you don't have to. Its not like someone is holding you in your studio at gunpoint, right? If you made something, you should be able to decide 100% for yourself what you want to do with it, and if you want to keep it, keep it. As for the whole trading thing.. its a fine line and no one ever wants to hurt someone else's feelings over their art. But, if you really don't like what someone is doing, you don't have to necessarily feel obligated to trade. I mean, if it gets really bad and you feel like you really can't get out of it, you can also decide what you want to trade with them. Also, instead of trading an original work, you can trade a photograph or a print or even a book/zine you've made. Something you can spare, so to speak.
In my own experience, I don't usually do trades unless I know the person really well or love their work. This is mostly just because even though my website makes me look so productive and prolific, I don't really make too many of certain things: drawings, for example. I'm actually very sensitive about trading drawings, because in the past few years I've barely made any. Usually I save them and give them to people who I love, but even that is rare. Sometimes I even sell them, which the people I love (Hi Mom!) would actually prefer. In all seriousness, though: a few times I've found myself in your exact situation. Usually if you just explain that you don't have anything you'd like to trade at the moment, that settles things. Not too many people get pushy after you show slight signs of hesitation. And if they do, you probably wouldn't want to trade with them even if you liked their work.
--
Dear Jessica,
I am 22 this year and had never a serious relationship. Not to say I had a lot of flings either, because I didn't. It would be safe to say that I am not particularly physically or psychologically repulsive. I am a good person and a good friend. I am not a social butterfly but I am not anti-social. I don't go to clubs and pubs but I am not afraid of talking to strangers. I am a little bit of a homebody and nerd, but I don't look like one.
I keep my feelings of attraction to myself, and as my experience tells me, it is actually a good thing (for me at least), so I intend to keep it that way. I tend to only attract guys whom I have no romantic feelings for. Although that doesn't happen very often, either. I don't have a whole lot of expectations for love or soulmate but I do assume my heart will tell me when the person is right. Is that wrong to believe? I am a little worried now (but not enough for me to make myself more active) because I think being 22 and inexperienced, would be possibly be a big turn-off. What should I do? Should I join e-Harmony or continue living the way I have always had? I just don't want to die without experiencing romantic love.
Lonelygal0484
Dear Lonelygal10484,
Don't worry, you won't be alone forever! I know that was not your question, but it sounds sort of similar in a Facebook quiz sort of way. I am 100% sure that you are not physically or psychologically repulsive, too. However, it sounds like your being single has little to do with those things. You seem to be very together--which is actually maybe part of it.
People, especially boys, are thicker than you would imagine. The ones you like probably have no idea that you like them, especially if you hide your feelings half as well as it sounds you do. Even if you are sometimes sad and lonely, if you do it quietly and in private--no one will know. I think a lot of young people (22 is young!) get in relationships because they are lonely and actively searching for something to fill that void. If you are not actively searching or seem happy alone, no one will know. Also if you seem quiet and/or cold, people will be even more intimidated. It goes back to what I said in the first advice: people are nervous at first around shy people, because they have no idea what is going on in their heads. And again, there is nothing wrong with being shy! There is nothing wrong about being nerdy or a being a homebody! Also, there is nothing wrong about being inexperienced. A lot more people are as inexperienced as you (or more) than you think. That doesn't mean that you will stay that way forever, either. While love and romance may have a long and rough learning curve, experience is a much shorter curve.
If anything, try to be more open. Not just to boys, but just to making friends in general and doing social things. Meeting people leads to getting to know them better which leads to meeting more people.. possibly even someone you could feel something for. If meeting people seems like too much sometimes, trying something like E-harmony can't hurt. Its all about what makes you feel comfortable. And as for your heart telling you if its right--I want to believe in that and to some extent I do. I think when you meet someone who is on the same level as you, you can feel it--an electrical connection of sorts. A force field of good energy (this applies to friends, too). But sniffing out a soulmate.. I'm not so sure. My heart has lied--both to me and itself, many times. However, I'm hopeless. I do what feels right and suffer the consequences. All in all everything evens out, though. Its good to be open to people, even if they are not "the one". Every experience is valuable and special if you treat it that way.
I have just started working in a new job but it's not mine yet cause they are seeing if I'm good at it. So, I'll be here for 2 months and if they do like me and how I work then I can stay. The thing is that even if the people that work there aren't mean to me (well as far as I know, since I've been there only for 4 days so far), I feel uncomfortable. It's mainly because we are very different from each other (their economic backgrounds are better than mine, we don't share interests, so much I think they might see me as someone weird or someone who is less than them). I've also been for quite a long time working freelance, so I'm a little bit antisocial and too used to working alone.
Basically I feel uncomfortable around them and don't know how to act or talk, or what to talk about and I don't want my work to be affected by it. Well, the truth is that I go there to work not to make friends or anything but I don't want them to think I'm a weirdo or antisocial because then they'll surely treat me different or talk behind my back, etc. I'm also a bit scared because my latest non-independent job opportunities were a mess and I'm fearing it will be the same with this one.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, you're not alone! All jobs are scary at first--especially when you are one new person in a bigger group of people who all seem to know each other. Also, more likely than not, your coworkers are just as nervous around you as you are around them. Especially if you are shy. Shy people are often intimidating because no one can tell what is going on in their heads. They are mysteries. On the other hand: that's why loud people seem to be always surrounded by friends. Even if a loud person is obnoxious, people know what to expect from them--which is comforting and safe. Anyway, being shy is not a crime and you should not feel weird about it at all. Just know that it might take your co-workers a bit of time to warm to you, but once they understand you, they will learn to at least appreciate having you around--if not love you.
Also, even though your interests and economic backgrounds differ--you all still spend so much time together doing the same thing. This is automatically at least one thing you all have in common and hey, its a start! Sometimes work friendships don't mix with non-work friendships, which is okay. Like you said, you are not at work to make friends. However, sometimes friends you make at work are ones you would never make otherwise (exactly because you don't share that many common interests, etc). Those are very special. All you can do for now is remind yourself not to stress out too much and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Just be kind and open and most of all, be yourself. Patience is good, too! In my own experience I've felt shy months into jobs--but once it passes it was like that awkward phase was never there. Four days is way too early to judge anything.
--
Dear Jessica-
My question sounds simple but has several times been very difficult to answer in my own life. What do you do when someone wants to trade art work with you and you're really not too pumped about what they make, or don't want to part with what they want, or (worse) both? Have you ever been in this situation? How did/would you resolve it without hurting anyone's feelings?
Let's just call me,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This question. This question is a tough one, but very practical. In my experience I have felt two ways. The first thing is--if I you don't want to part with an artwork, you don't have to. Its not like someone is holding you in your studio at gunpoint, right? If you made something, you should be able to decide 100% for yourself what you want to do with it, and if you want to keep it, keep it. As for the whole trading thing.. its a fine line and no one ever wants to hurt someone else's feelings over their art. But, if you really don't like what someone is doing, you don't have to necessarily feel obligated to trade. I mean, if it gets really bad and you feel like you really can't get out of it, you can also decide what you want to trade with them. Also, instead of trading an original work, you can trade a photograph or a print or even a book/zine you've made. Something you can spare, so to speak.
In my own experience, I don't usually do trades unless I know the person really well or love their work. This is mostly just because even though my website makes me look so productive and prolific, I don't really make too many of certain things: drawings, for example. I'm actually very sensitive about trading drawings, because in the past few years I've barely made any. Usually I save them and give them to people who I love, but even that is rare. Sometimes I even sell them, which the people I love (Hi Mom!) would actually prefer. In all seriousness, though: a few times I've found myself in your exact situation. Usually if you just explain that you don't have anything you'd like to trade at the moment, that settles things. Not too many people get pushy after you show slight signs of hesitation. And if they do, you probably wouldn't want to trade with them even if you liked their work.
--
Dear Jessica,
I am 22 this year and had never a serious relationship. Not to say I had a lot of flings either, because I didn't. It would be safe to say that I am not particularly physically or psychologically repulsive. I am a good person and a good friend. I am not a social butterfly but I am not anti-social. I don't go to clubs and pubs but I am not afraid of talking to strangers. I am a little bit of a homebody and nerd, but I don't look like one.
I keep my feelings of attraction to myself, and as my experience tells me, it is actually a good thing (for me at least), so I intend to keep it that way. I tend to only attract guys whom I have no romantic feelings for. Although that doesn't happen very often, either. I don't have a whole lot of expectations for love or soulmate but I do assume my heart will tell me when the person is right. Is that wrong to believe? I am a little worried now (but not enough for me to make myself more active) because I think being 22 and inexperienced, would be possibly be a big turn-off. What should I do? Should I join e-Harmony or continue living the way I have always had? I just don't want to die without experiencing romantic love.
Lonelygal0484
Dear Lonelygal10484,
Don't worry, you won't be alone forever! I know that was not your question, but it sounds sort of similar in a Facebook quiz sort of way. I am 100% sure that you are not physically or psychologically repulsive, too. However, it sounds like your being single has little to do with those things. You seem to be very together--which is actually maybe part of it.
People, especially boys, are thicker than you would imagine. The ones you like probably have no idea that you like them, especially if you hide your feelings half as well as it sounds you do. Even if you are sometimes sad and lonely, if you do it quietly and in private--no one will know. I think a lot of young people (22 is young!) get in relationships because they are lonely and actively searching for something to fill that void. If you are not actively searching or seem happy alone, no one will know. Also if you seem quiet and/or cold, people will be even more intimidated. It goes back to what I said in the first advice: people are nervous at first around shy people, because they have no idea what is going on in their heads. And again, there is nothing wrong with being shy! There is nothing wrong about being nerdy or a being a homebody! Also, there is nothing wrong about being inexperienced. A lot more people are as inexperienced as you (or more) than you think. That doesn't mean that you will stay that way forever, either. While love and romance may have a long and rough learning curve, experience is a much shorter curve.
If anything, try to be more open. Not just to boys, but just to making friends in general and doing social things. Meeting people leads to getting to know them better which leads to meeting more people.. possibly even someone you could feel something for. If meeting people seems like too much sometimes, trying something like E-harmony can't hurt. Its all about what makes you feel comfortable. And as for your heart telling you if its right--I want to believe in that and to some extent I do. I think when you meet someone who is on the same level as you, you can feel it--an electrical connection of sorts. A force field of good energy (this applies to friends, too). But sniffing out a soulmate.. I'm not so sure. My heart has lied--both to me and itself, many times. However, I'm hopeless. I do what feels right and suffer the consequences. All in all everything evens out, though. Its good to be open to people, even if they are not "the one". Every experience is valuable and special if you treat it that way.
Labels: FREE ADVICE
Free Advice #7
Dear Jessica,
I am in kitty withdrawal and I don't know what to do. I have had three cats in my life, one was put to sleep when I was young and the other two passed away in the last couple of years. The one cat that I could claim as my own has been dead for one year and ten months. I believe that I am ready to welcome a new cat into my life but I don't think that now is a good time. To combat this kitty withdrawal I am looking for alternative ways to include cats in my life. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Your fellow cat friend,
Kari
Dear Kari,
I feel you. Your situation is definitely a hard one. My cat passed recently, and though I immerse myself in cat blogs and see cats all the time on the streets of New York--its not the same as having a kitty of one's own. However, you saying that now is probably not a good time is a very mature and its really good you can recognize that. Cats are a big responsibility and require both love and care. They also don't usually like being moved around a lot and since you are still in college, you probably won't be where you are now for too much longer. Still, knowing you are mature does not make cat withdrawal any easier.
I think there a few things you can do. Cat withdrawal, at least for me, comes in a at least two parts. The first part is missing taking care of another creature and the second part is missing that warm body next to you when you sleep and the love/boredom in its eyes when you are petting it. Cats are sassy! To fulfill the first need, you could always get a low maintenance pet--like a fish. I have a fish and he's pretty sassy. Not quite like a cat, though: he doesn't fulfill that second need. For that I think you have two options: find a friend with a cat or find a cat to cat-sit. Good luck!
--
Dear Jessica,
I'm very confused about what to do in my life at the moment. I have been studying abroad for more than 5 years, moving from one country to the other. I did 1 year of degree in fashion design and then realized that graphics and illustration was something I was more interested in, and since I was quite sick of where I was, I decided to take a year out and moved to Paris, thinking maybe I might be able to study art there instead of going back to London. Recently I found out that I got accepted to a college (in Paris) which was very competitive and hard to get in. But I'm quite shy and not so talkative. I'm really worried about talking and communicating to the others who would be mostly French. I also have the choice of going back to London and continue my study in graphics.
Lately I find myself asking the same question over and over--should I just 'go with the flow' and stay here so that at least I can improve the language and study art? I guess its never a waste of time to study any foreign languages, even if I'm not that interested... or should I go back to London, sacrifice everything that I've done so far here, pay that much amount of money and finish my degree (2 more years for me). I do know that the college in London is supposed to be very good, it's got good reputation and great staff especially for that particular course. I know what the education would be like. However, I know nothing about the college in Paris. I just know it's quite prestigious in the art and design field, but the education would probably be very different. I think whichever way I choose, I'll probably learn something new and worthwhile. But since I can't choose both, it's been very hard deciding!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Your situation sounds tough--but it sounds like you have a good attitude about it. No matter what you do, you will learn something new and worthwhile and it will be a good experience in one way or another. However, its good to remember its never too late to change your mind, especially about things like this! Just because you have spent the last year in Paris and learning the language, you do owe it anything. The same goes for the school, too. No matter how good it is (congratulations for getting in, by the way!), if you don't feel like it is for you, you don't owe it anything either.
Just from reading what you wrote me, it sounds like you might be happier back in London. It sounds like you feel more comfortable there and you not only know what to expect from the school, but you know it will be challenging. These are all good things. Also, you may end up appreciating London more after being in Paris. However, there is still the issue of the graphics courses you were sick of. Is there any way to take more arts-oriented courses if you return--or do you have to do exactly what you were doing before you left? Those are good things to keep in mind. Going back to London could be good, as long as you make sure you don't feel trapped again like you did when you decided to move to Paris in the first place.
As for staying in Paris: it could get good, too! Even though you are shy, I'm sure you French is not so bad (it is for sure better than mine). And if the school is a lot cheaper, you can always stay for a semester and see if you like it before deciding what to do. It sounds like you can return to London when you want--its not on a schedule. It will always be there. Hm. Maybe this is getting more confusing than helpful. I think there are a few things you need to think about for yourself, in this order:
1. Where will you feel most comfortable?
2. Which school will offer you with what you want to do?
3. Money
Note: I believe money should always come last. I'm by no means rich and never grew up that way, but I think that the other two things are more important when deciding what to do with your life! I'm sure no matter what you do--you will be fine. :)
--
P.S. Sorry this is a day late!
P.P.S. I've been thinking how to best wrap this advice thing up. My first thought was to put an anonymous form on the website so that people could write in more easily--but then I think that might let this go on forever. My second thought, which I am going to do is this: so right now I'm at my seventh week of answering questions--when I reach week 10, it's over. If you want to ask something and have been holding it in, ask now or forever hold your peace!
I am in kitty withdrawal and I don't know what to do. I have had three cats in my life, one was put to sleep when I was young and the other two passed away in the last couple of years. The one cat that I could claim as my own has been dead for one year and ten months. I believe that I am ready to welcome a new cat into my life but I don't think that now is a good time. To combat this kitty withdrawal I am looking for alternative ways to include cats in my life. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Your fellow cat friend,
Kari
Dear Kari,
I feel you. Your situation is definitely a hard one. My cat passed recently, and though I immerse myself in cat blogs and see cats all the time on the streets of New York--its not the same as having a kitty of one's own. However, you saying that now is probably not a good time is a very mature and its really good you can recognize that. Cats are a big responsibility and require both love and care. They also don't usually like being moved around a lot and since you are still in college, you probably won't be where you are now for too much longer. Still, knowing you are mature does not make cat withdrawal any easier.
I think there a few things you can do. Cat withdrawal, at least for me, comes in a at least two parts. The first part is missing taking care of another creature and the second part is missing that warm body next to you when you sleep and the love/boredom in its eyes when you are petting it. Cats are sassy! To fulfill the first need, you could always get a low maintenance pet--like a fish. I have a fish and he's pretty sassy. Not quite like a cat, though: he doesn't fulfill that second need. For that I think you have two options: find a friend with a cat or find a cat to cat-sit. Good luck!
--
Dear Jessica,
I'm very confused about what to do in my life at the moment. I have been studying abroad for more than 5 years, moving from one country to the other. I did 1 year of degree in fashion design and then realized that graphics and illustration was something I was more interested in, and since I was quite sick of where I was, I decided to take a year out and moved to Paris, thinking maybe I might be able to study art there instead of going back to London. Recently I found out that I got accepted to a college (in Paris) which was very competitive and hard to get in. But I'm quite shy and not so talkative. I'm really worried about talking and communicating to the others who would be mostly French. I also have the choice of going back to London and continue my study in graphics.
Lately I find myself asking the same question over and over--should I just 'go with the flow' and stay here so that at least I can improve the language and study art? I guess its never a waste of time to study any foreign languages, even if I'm not that interested... or should I go back to London, sacrifice everything that I've done so far here, pay that much amount of money and finish my degree (2 more years for me). I do know that the college in London is supposed to be very good, it's got good reputation and great staff especially for that particular course. I know what the education would be like. However, I know nothing about the college in Paris. I just know it's quite prestigious in the art and design field, but the education would probably be very different. I think whichever way I choose, I'll probably learn something new and worthwhile. But since I can't choose both, it's been very hard deciding!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Your situation sounds tough--but it sounds like you have a good attitude about it. No matter what you do, you will learn something new and worthwhile and it will be a good experience in one way or another. However, its good to remember its never too late to change your mind, especially about things like this! Just because you have spent the last year in Paris and learning the language, you do owe it anything. The same goes for the school, too. No matter how good it is (congratulations for getting in, by the way!), if you don't feel like it is for you, you don't owe it anything either.
Just from reading what you wrote me, it sounds like you might be happier back in London. It sounds like you feel more comfortable there and you not only know what to expect from the school, but you know it will be challenging. These are all good things. Also, you may end up appreciating London more after being in Paris. However, there is still the issue of the graphics courses you were sick of. Is there any way to take more arts-oriented courses if you return--or do you have to do exactly what you were doing before you left? Those are good things to keep in mind. Going back to London could be good, as long as you make sure you don't feel trapped again like you did when you decided to move to Paris in the first place.
As for staying in Paris: it could get good, too! Even though you are shy, I'm sure you French is not so bad (it is for sure better than mine). And if the school is a lot cheaper, you can always stay for a semester and see if you like it before deciding what to do. It sounds like you can return to London when you want--its not on a schedule. It will always be there. Hm. Maybe this is getting more confusing than helpful. I think there are a few things you need to think about for yourself, in this order:
1. Where will you feel most comfortable?
2. Which school will offer you with what you want to do?
3. Money
Note: I believe money should always come last. I'm by no means rich and never grew up that way, but I think that the other two things are more important when deciding what to do with your life! I'm sure no matter what you do--you will be fine. :)
--
P.S. Sorry this is a day late!
P.P.S. I've been thinking how to best wrap this advice thing up. My first thought was to put an anonymous form on the website so that people could write in more easily--but then I think that might let this go on forever. My second thought, which I am going to do is this: so right now I'm at my seventh week of answering questions--when I reach week 10, it's over. If you want to ask something and have been holding it in, ask now or forever hold your peace!
Labels: FREE ADVICE
Free Advice #6
Hi Jessica,
I am all for a sisterhood of intelligent, independent, beautiful, strong women. That being said, I am not for girl competition. A friendship with a good friend and collaborator is quickly breaking down and I hope it can be fixed. Healthy and productive art competition has turned into unhealthy and painful boy and life and style competition. I used to be flattered that she respected my art work so much to borrow conceptual/aesthetic themes from me but now that she is hooking up with my boy's best friend it feels like I am being sucked dry.
I am to blame too and have been acting weird and defensive -- pretty much like a 5 year-old who doesn't want to share her toys. I have tried to talk to her about it but it is really hard to sugar coat "Get out of my mirror so I can see." It just makes me sad because I am retreating to exclusively male friends because the only problems that arise with them are love ones and that seems much easier!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This situation is such a hard one for so many reasons. The first, obviously, being that it seems that you don't want to have these weird feelings but they are seemingly uncontrollable. No one want to feel jealous and distrustful and defensive. We just let it happen to us and most of the time its totally deep seated and subconscious. Secondly, female relationships are one of the most mysterious things in life, period. I would say I have pretty amazing close female friends, but I have also only recently made them/become closer to them. I'm new at this.
Okay.. art and boys: the two most sensitive topics of life. The best thing to do in these sorts of situations is to ignore what is going on and essentially not let it get to you. You just can't. You will end up spending more time worrying about this girl lifting your ideas than making new ones and focusing on the strength of your own work. If you are unable to let it slide--or her antics become so obvious other people start to notice and point it out to you, you can either confront her or slowly disassociate yourself from her. I know the latter seems pretty drastic--but it doesn't have to be. You two can even just take a break. I know I've found in my own life that I just can't be around people who bring me down because its usually a mutual thing. In fact, I recently came up with this pseduo-mantra:
I will no longer surround myself--in real life, on the internet, etc with any single person or group of people that makes me feel less of myself in any way
I will only surround myself by positive people who I have mutually uplifting interactions with
So far its worked like a charm. I mean, I do feel some regret about some people I have chosen to remove from my life--but I have also been so much happier. Its important to remember that people change (even in short periods of time) and you can always been friends again in the future. Nothing is impossible. Also, I don't think you should avoid all female friends just because of this one girl, though. And if you and this girl are really good friends--nothing is too taboo to talk about. You just need to calm down a bit and let what you want to say to her sit in your mind for awhile.. and imagine if someone was saying the same things to you. I'm sure she feels that you have been acting weird towards her lately if she's receptive at all and thus, she might be defensive. Good luck!
--
Dear Jessica,
I graduated from Graphic Design just over year ago. As I don't have a permanent job in design/illustration and want a change of scenery (feeling very uninspired at the moment), I plan on traveling to London then stay in Spain for a while to focus on my work and become a little more independent.What do you suggest is the best way for someone who has had hardly any professional experience, to approach studios or promote your work in a city/country where you have no contacts? Also, did you find it difficult to find work in Sweden or had you already had some jobs lined up before you left?
Also, I mainly do Illustration but don't like to stick to one particular style as I like experimenting with various mediums. I have read articles and advice from various illustrators who suggest that it is best to have a solid style because clients hire you for a particular 'look' that would suit their brief. What are your thought on this?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I've never really done commercial illustration and have only moved to a new city for school, so I felt kind of at a loss with this question. However, I asked my talented friend / now guest blogger Phillip Nessen of Sparrow v Swallow for some help. I thought he would only give me a few pointers, but instead he wrote this beautiful, complete answer that I can't think of anything to add to:
"My experience with illustration is in the American illustration market. So, this advice might be meaningless wherever you end up. I have heard that in some parts of Europe, at least in the past, it has been difficult to be commissioned to do illustration work if you have not yet been published before. It's a weird situation because you need experience to be published, but you need to be published to get experience. This has not been the case in my experience, though.
One of the nice things about being an illustrator is that you don't need to live in the same city as your clients. A simple way to get started, if you are confident in your work, is create a promotional package or a postcard mailing that features your work and contact information. Find magazines where you think your work would be appropriate, or the design studios that seem to hire a lot of illustrators, and send your materials to the art directors. Call a few magazines and try to set up appointments to meet with the art directors. Be sure to have postcards to leave behind. That is a good start and should give you a sense of if you and your work are ready.
You don't have to just create work one style, but you need to create a body of consistent work for each style you want to work in to convince someone that you are proficient worker and are fluent in your own visual language. Art directors need to know that if they hire you, they will get work of the same quality and tone as what is in your portfolio. There is not enough time in most cases for you to turn in something that doesn't work for them. They best way to prove to them that commissioning you will be a pleasant experience is to create many pieces in the same style, that tackle various concepts and challenges.
Illustration is not an easy line of work. It takes many years of hard work to do enough work to live off of illustration, and once successful it is still a fight to remain relevant. Perhaps, with your preference for working with different styles, you should pursue both graphic design and illustration. You will have many different opportunities open to you."
--
Dear Jessica,
This is a general question with a very specific example. So, I dated this person, we're both artists. They were really good. They inspired and influenced my art, and still do. There was a real connection there, but it ended on bad terms. I was going through some bad things at the time, but to be honest I was immature, not ready for the relationship, and was pretty much a total jerk. Classic case of 'you don't know what you got till its gone'.
I can really say I'm not sure I will meet anyone who impacted me the same way. I mean, seriously. To make matters worse, we don't talk anymore. I don't know what they think of me (probably nothing good, but the mere fact that they refuse to talk makes me think I impacted them in some way - for better or worse - i'm assuming worse).
I've heard that subsequent relationships are gone into in order to resolve some sort of conflict from previous relationships. I've dated since, and had one good fruitful relationship that even ended positively, but I still feel horrible and am filled with regret from the previous relationship. It has been a very long time and I still haven't been able to move on. I've done what I can to learn from the experience and become a better person, but the pain persists. Is there something, anything, I can do to resolve these emotions?
- Mourning and Melancholic
Dear Mourning and Melancholic,
This situation is a tough one, though it may be more common and the feelings more easily overcome than you currently think. In fact, I have gone through something similar myself in the not too distant past. Though I know my heart still isn't 100% recovered--I no longer suffer these feelings you are describing, when they once seemed as ubiquitous to me as water and air.
Awhile ago I was given some advice by someone a bit older and wiser than me re: feeling that you will never be as close to anyone again post any sort of intense relationship. She told me that though I may never meet someone exactly like my ex again, nor even relate to anyone quite in the same way--it was okay--and not necessarily a bad thing. For one: the past just doesn't disappear. It exists in space and time and the good times and the closeness you shared with this person will never disappear. It is special and distinct and different from any other thing you or they will share with another person. As for entering new relationships as an attempt to resolve old ones--I'm not sure if I buy into that theory. In my young life I've already been in a lot of relationships and while some may have vaguely informed others, they usually are concrete and very separate from one another. If anything I believe we, as humans, enter new relationships attempting to resolve some kind of conflict within ourselves, not our past lovers. I think the key then is focusing on yourself and learning to know what you need: both in yourself and in others. As a general rule it's good to not have too high expectations of others. I try to have none at all.. for anyone. That way, each communication/hangout/etc is a gift.
Speaking of communication: this person not talking to you is not something that will last forever. Even the most stubborn people give in eventually and even though you feel like its been such a long time--time is so relative. Someone once told me that to fully get over a person, it takes twice the amount of time apart as you were together. I don't know about your case, but with mine--that means four years. Now that is a long time. But its also not so very long at all. Not that you should mark it on your calendar or anything--you just have to force yourself to let go and not worry about it. Its the only thing you can do. That, or try to contact them in the most honest and open way you can and tell them you miss them. If it comes from a truly soft and earnest place the other person will understand and its nothing to be afraid of.
I am all for a sisterhood of intelligent, independent, beautiful, strong women. That being said, I am not for girl competition. A friendship with a good friend and collaborator is quickly breaking down and I hope it can be fixed. Healthy and productive art competition has turned into unhealthy and painful boy and life and style competition. I used to be flattered that she respected my art work so much to borrow conceptual/aesthetic themes from me but now that she is hooking up with my boy's best friend it feels like I am being sucked dry.
I am to blame too and have been acting weird and defensive -- pretty much like a 5 year-old who doesn't want to share her toys. I have tried to talk to her about it but it is really hard to sugar coat "Get out of my mirror so I can see." It just makes me sad because I am retreating to exclusively male friends because the only problems that arise with them are love ones and that seems much easier!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This situation is such a hard one for so many reasons. The first, obviously, being that it seems that you don't want to have these weird feelings but they are seemingly uncontrollable. No one want to feel jealous and distrustful and defensive. We just let it happen to us and most of the time its totally deep seated and subconscious. Secondly, female relationships are one of the most mysterious things in life, period. I would say I have pretty amazing close female friends, but I have also only recently made them/become closer to them. I'm new at this.
Okay.. art and boys: the two most sensitive topics of life. The best thing to do in these sorts of situations is to ignore what is going on and essentially not let it get to you. You just can't. You will end up spending more time worrying about this girl lifting your ideas than making new ones and focusing on the strength of your own work. If you are unable to let it slide--or her antics become so obvious other people start to notice and point it out to you, you can either confront her or slowly disassociate yourself from her. I know the latter seems pretty drastic--but it doesn't have to be. You two can even just take a break. I know I've found in my own life that I just can't be around people who bring me down because its usually a mutual thing. In fact, I recently came up with this pseduo-mantra:
I will no longer surround myself--in real life, on the internet, etc with any single person or group of people that makes me feel less of myself in any way
I will only surround myself by positive people who I have mutually uplifting interactions with
So far its worked like a charm. I mean, I do feel some regret about some people I have chosen to remove from my life--but I have also been so much happier. Its important to remember that people change (even in short periods of time) and you can always been friends again in the future. Nothing is impossible. Also, I don't think you should avoid all female friends just because of this one girl, though. And if you and this girl are really good friends--nothing is too taboo to talk about. You just need to calm down a bit and let what you want to say to her sit in your mind for awhile.. and imagine if someone was saying the same things to you. I'm sure she feels that you have been acting weird towards her lately if she's receptive at all and thus, she might be defensive. Good luck!
--
Dear Jessica,
I graduated from Graphic Design just over year ago. As I don't have a permanent job in design/illustration and want a change of scenery (feeling very uninspired at the moment), I plan on traveling to London then stay in Spain for a while to focus on my work and become a little more independent.What do you suggest is the best way for someone who has had hardly any professional experience, to approach studios or promote your work in a city/country where you have no contacts? Also, did you find it difficult to find work in Sweden or had you already had some jobs lined up before you left?
Also, I mainly do Illustration but don't like to stick to one particular style as I like experimenting with various mediums. I have read articles and advice from various illustrators who suggest that it is best to have a solid style because clients hire you for a particular 'look' that would suit their brief. What are your thought on this?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I've never really done commercial illustration and have only moved to a new city for school, so I felt kind of at a loss with this question. However, I asked my talented friend / now guest blogger Phillip Nessen of Sparrow v Swallow for some help. I thought he would only give me a few pointers, but instead he wrote this beautiful, complete answer that I can't think of anything to add to:
"My experience with illustration is in the American illustration market. So, this advice might be meaningless wherever you end up. I have heard that in some parts of Europe, at least in the past, it has been difficult to be commissioned to do illustration work if you have not yet been published before. It's a weird situation because you need experience to be published, but you need to be published to get experience. This has not been the case in my experience, though.
One of the nice things about being an illustrator is that you don't need to live in the same city as your clients. A simple way to get started, if you are confident in your work, is create a promotional package or a postcard mailing that features your work and contact information. Find magazines where you think your work would be appropriate, or the design studios that seem to hire a lot of illustrators, and send your materials to the art directors. Call a few magazines and try to set up appointments to meet with the art directors. Be sure to have postcards to leave behind. That is a good start and should give you a sense of if you and your work are ready.
You don't have to just create work one style, but you need to create a body of consistent work for each style you want to work in to convince someone that you are proficient worker and are fluent in your own visual language. Art directors need to know that if they hire you, they will get work of the same quality and tone as what is in your portfolio. There is not enough time in most cases for you to turn in something that doesn't work for them. They best way to prove to them that commissioning you will be a pleasant experience is to create many pieces in the same style, that tackle various concepts and challenges.
Illustration is not an easy line of work. It takes many years of hard work to do enough work to live off of illustration, and once successful it is still a fight to remain relevant. Perhaps, with your preference for working with different styles, you should pursue both graphic design and illustration. You will have many different opportunities open to you."
--
Dear Jessica,
This is a general question with a very specific example. So, I dated this person, we're both artists. They were really good. They inspired and influenced my art, and still do. There was a real connection there, but it ended on bad terms. I was going through some bad things at the time, but to be honest I was immature, not ready for the relationship, and was pretty much a total jerk. Classic case of 'you don't know what you got till its gone'.
I can really say I'm not sure I will meet anyone who impacted me the same way. I mean, seriously. To make matters worse, we don't talk anymore. I don't know what they think of me (probably nothing good, but the mere fact that they refuse to talk makes me think I impacted them in some way - for better or worse - i'm assuming worse).
I've heard that subsequent relationships are gone into in order to resolve some sort of conflict from previous relationships. I've dated since, and had one good fruitful relationship that even ended positively, but I still feel horrible and am filled with regret from the previous relationship. It has been a very long time and I still haven't been able to move on. I've done what I can to learn from the experience and become a better person, but the pain persists. Is there something, anything, I can do to resolve these emotions?
- Mourning and Melancholic
Dear Mourning and Melancholic,
This situation is a tough one, though it may be more common and the feelings more easily overcome than you currently think. In fact, I have gone through something similar myself in the not too distant past. Though I know my heart still isn't 100% recovered--I no longer suffer these feelings you are describing, when they once seemed as ubiquitous to me as water and air.
Awhile ago I was given some advice by someone a bit older and wiser than me re: feeling that you will never be as close to anyone again post any sort of intense relationship. She told me that though I may never meet someone exactly like my ex again, nor even relate to anyone quite in the same way--it was okay--and not necessarily a bad thing. For one: the past just doesn't disappear. It exists in space and time and the good times and the closeness you shared with this person will never disappear. It is special and distinct and different from any other thing you or they will share with another person. As for entering new relationships as an attempt to resolve old ones--I'm not sure if I buy into that theory. In my young life I've already been in a lot of relationships and while some may have vaguely informed others, they usually are concrete and very separate from one another. If anything I believe we, as humans, enter new relationships attempting to resolve some kind of conflict within ourselves, not our past lovers. I think the key then is focusing on yourself and learning to know what you need: both in yourself and in others. As a general rule it's good to not have too high expectations of others. I try to have none at all.. for anyone. That way, each communication/hangout/etc is a gift.
Speaking of communication: this person not talking to you is not something that will last forever. Even the most stubborn people give in eventually and even though you feel like its been such a long time--time is so relative. Someone once told me that to fully get over a person, it takes twice the amount of time apart as you were together. I don't know about your case, but with mine--that means four years. Now that is a long time. But its also not so very long at all. Not that you should mark it on your calendar or anything--you just have to force yourself to let go and not worry about it. Its the only thing you can do. That, or try to contact them in the most honest and open way you can and tell them you miss them. If it comes from a truly soft and earnest place the other person will understand and its nothing to be afraid of.
Labels: FREE ADVICE
Thomas Pynchon
"Everybody gets told to write about what they know. The trouble with many of us is that at the earlier stages of life we think we know everything - or to put it more usefully, we are often unaware of the scope and structure of our ignorance. Ignorance is not just a blank space on a person's mental map. It has contours and coherence, and for all I know rules of operation as well. So as a corollary to writing about what we know, maybe we should add getting familiar with our ignorance, and the possibilities therein for ruining a good story."
Labels: quotes
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